Our Angel In Heaven - Carter Thomas

Carter's Christmas Ornament

This has not been an easy week for me.  Although Carter's due date isn't until December 23, I figure he would have been born one day this week since I would have been scheduled for a C-Section 1-2 weeks early.  Starting this past Sunday it really hit me again that my baby boy is in Heaven.  This is not going to be an easy holiday season, but I am trying to think about all the wonderful things in my life... all the wonderful blessings God has given me.

Carters first ultrasound picture - May 14, 2013.

I have wanted to write about everything that happened this July and every time I sit down to do it, I just can't.  Maybe this is the time for me to do it.

One of the only pictures I have posing with my Carter
bump.  I was at about 11 weeks here.

I really don't know what went wrong this summer.  Everything seemed to be going fine with this pregnancy.  We had gotten back from vacation in Myrtle Beach just before Independence Day, so I was tired from that.  We were having friends over for the 4th, so preparing for that and entertaining that day made me feel a little run down too.  Then on the 5th and 6th we had the Dave Matthews Band Concerts - more to wear me out. 

I tried to rest up before the concert but I just wasn't feeling great... a little achy and just tired.  But it wasn't anything that alarmed me... just thought I was run down.  We had a good time at the concert albeit was a pretty mellow evening... I wasn't rocking out or anything... just enjoyed the music.  The concert was over and while we were leaving the parking lot, my water broke.  I was only 15 weeks and 5 days... way too early for that to happen.  I had never experienced it with my other kids, so I was very alarmed.  I called the doctor as we drove and had to talk with the on-call doctor.  She asked a bunch of questions and then said it sounded like incontinence to her and not to be alarmed.  It was a miserable night and next day - I just didn't feel good.  We gave away our tickets for the second night of DMB and Tom ended up taking the kids to the Independence Day parade with friends of ours while I stayed home to rest.  As the day went on and into the night, I got a fever and I started bleeding and having horrible cramps - which I now know to be contractions.  I was in labor.  I never experienced labor with Jackson and Morgan - C-Sections with both of them before labor even started.  We called a neighbor to stay with the kids (it was like 2 AM), and Tom and I left for the ER.  From there, most of the next two days were a blur.  Things quickly went down hill.  There was blood work and other tests... basically, there was an infection... don't know from what but it was killing both me and the baby.  I was in septic shock.  The baby was still alive but there was no amniotic fluid and he would have to be delivered.  There was no way to stop the infection without delivering him and he was not going to survive so early of a delivery.  Remember, I was just short of 16 weeks gestation - 40 weeks is term.   Amazingly, he was born alive at 8:12 AM on July 7, 2013.  He lived for just a few minutes... his heart still beating strong.  But the rest of his body was not developed - he was not ready for this world.  I barely remember him being born... I try to grasp onto that memory so tight, but I was so weak and so drugged that it is such a blur.  Tom baptised him right there in the hospital since our priest was not going to make it there in time.  Carter Thomas died in our arms.  The infection was still out of control in me... my fever just wouldn't go down and I continued to loose a lot blood.  After two days in the hospital, the antibiotics had done their job and I was good enough to go home... it was our 8th wedding anniversary. 

We still don't know what really happened.  We don't know if the infection was in me and caused my water to break. Or if something else triggered my water to break and then that allowed for an infection to start.  We really don't know.  And it really doesn't matter - the same thing was going to happen regardless.  What hurts the most is that he was born a healthy strong baby.... just too early to survive.  He should have stayed in my womb until now.  But that wasn't the plan for him. 

One of our old co-workers wrote in her card to us: "God must have amazing plans for Carter for Him to have taken him so soon."  I believe she is right.

We were so blessed to have so many family and friends help us through that time.  They stayed with us, they fed us, watched the kids and Madi for us while we were in the hospital and afterwards too.  We are truly blessed to have them in our lives.

Kids were entertained in the courtyard at the hospital.  Thankful to see smiles
on their faces during that time.  I'm sure it was all confusing then and still is
at times.

We held a funeral mass for Carter on the following Saturday, July 13...six days after his birth and death.  Fr. Mike held a wonderful service for him.  He had just the right words to help all of us, especially Jackson and Morgan.  Again, so many family and friends were there to support us.  Words cannot express the gratitude I have for everyone that helped us, supported us, prayed for us.
 

My heart breaks daily when I think about my baby.  Jackson and Morgan talk about him every day.  I think us talking about Carter has helped in our healing, but it still isn't easy.  As a family, we remember Carter in our nightly prayers.  There are days when Morgan gets off the bus with a sad face and says, "Can I talk to Carter?  I miss him."  Jackson writes stories at school about his brother in Heaven (Jackson's poor teacher is pregnant with her first right now - I feel horrible that she has to read the stories sometimes).  Morgan colors him pictures.  And both of them will ask out of the blue, "Why didn't we get to see Carter and hold him?"  That one might be the toughest.  I hate that they never met their brother.  We considered it, but we didn't want to scare their little minds with the sight of a tiny, tiny baby.  Their brother was not the baby they would be expecting to see.  I hope that was the right decision. 

This November 3, our church held a mass for All Souls Day to celebrate all those who had died in 2013.  Carter was celebrated that day.  For the month of November his hand and foot prints were displayed on "Jacob's Ladder" along with pictures of the other deceased at our church.  I am so thankful for our faith family and how they have supported us with prayer and love too. 

Only God knows why this happened.  I wish I knew why God planned this; why He took my Carter.  I just need to trust... I need to be good on this Earth so that when my day comes, I'll see my sweet baby in Heaven.  I love you Carter Thomas!  Your momma loves you so much!  I hope you know that!